The fires coming.
The fires coming.
Tonight was my first show since my release from jail. No words can explain the feeling I got from it. I have anticipating this moment for over a year and It was so overwhelming. I got to the lounge and right away, the pre-stage butterflies started taking off and I was unable to sit or stand still. My heart was racing my mind was going in so many different directions. 5 Minutes before going on I was hella nervous and I was getting unsure of myself on whether I would be remembering all of my lyrics and what not. Keep in mind one of the songs in the line up I had JUST recorded the night before. As i walked up onto the little stage the lounge had and grabbed the mic…i was at home. Everything in my body turned calm, and then I remembered…”THIS is what I do! THIS is what I love! THIS is what ive been waiting for. THIS is my time!” The music dropped and now the rest is history. I’ll be posting a video up on youtube for all to see if you were unable to attend. I’m not going to lie. The place wasn’t PACKED full of people but there was a decent amount. And from what I could see…everyone seemed to love my music! I did my thing and left with a feeling of accomplishment..and to be just plain honest I was proud of myself. I didn’t ask for this show…I was requested to perform. I know things wont be happening over night…but this is a great start for me and my music.
Now…after the performance, a friend and I headed to another function. Right when I arrived we were greeted by another friend who was waiting in the street for us. I’m ALWAYS happy to see this friend who was waiting for us in the street but as I was looking at her my eyes then zoned in on an individual in the drive way behind her. We’re gonna call him Rat. Rat and I knew eachother for years through a place I used to work at. We became pretty close. Hung out a lot on breaks and at parties and even outside of work. We were on the same team and constantly had the same shifts as eachother so you can imagine we became pretty tight. Long story short…A year ago I was unemployed, struggling, and committing a certain crime for money. We wont get into the details of what I was doing but let’s just say I was making enough off of this hustle for me to live good for a month or two, constantly going out, support my activities, etc. I was making A LOT of money off of this. Rat didn’t know what I was up to, but he would always talk about how he was from the streets and he understood the mentality of whatever you need to do to survive then do it. I had this hustle for about 6-9 months. Never worried about money never worried about a thing. To cut this down a little bit and make a long story short..I let the wrong people into my hustle who I thought were my friends and they fucked up completely on how things are supposed to be done in a clean, simple way. Rat saw them fuck up. Rat pointed me out. Rat got me a year of my life taken away from me that I will NEVER get back. Now, I’m not saying what I was doing was right and I took full responsibility for my actions and dropped no names at all. This was MY hustle. BUT RAT WAS MY FRIEND. RAT WAS SOMEONE I TRUSTED. I had mad love for this dude…when I got love for someone, and I mean like REAL love for someone.. I will fuckin take a bullet for you. I would do ANYTHING to make sure you’re straight. You’re family to me. I had that love for Rat and he dropped my name when he absolutely did not have to. So when we got to this function..my heart dropped. My mind turned off. I’ve been able to tuck away my past and the way I used to be pretty well because I believe I am a new person today, but seeing him brought something ugly back that I thought I was done with. I hope if you’re reading this you can understand the pain and suffering I went through this past year..the pain my family went through and my loved ones. This man didn’t have to do anything he did. I wanted to do something to him. As i’m going through the motions of not thinking and all that my friend who was waiting for us in the street and my friend in the car started talking to me. She grabbed me and pulled me away, he pushed me towards my car and I heard her say..”You’re not that person anymore!”….and my male friend agreed and said the same thing or something like it but i don’t remember. That made me snap back to reality. I thought about it..and I’m thinking about it as I type this. My past is fucked up. Full of violence, anger, and emotions…but that no longer defines me. I came out a different person and you know what? If it wasn’t for Rat, I might not have ever gotten to know my female and male friends who I have come to LOVE ( and i mean LOVE as I explained earlier. I would DIE for these people.) If it wasn’t for Rat I would not be where I am today. I love my 2 friends who saved me tonight, once again. I still have a lot of growth to do and I think I’m doing well and have came a long way. I told them to go inside while I was planning on doing something and they stayed not even knowing what was going through my head. What if they went inside? I’d be back inside…a cell. Some things I will never be able to let go….Because some things I will NEVER get to have back…but you know what. I’m willing to let go and let god take care of it. This isn’t a threat in any kind of way..but just reality.. Rats are always going to be in this world that we live in…when you have a Rat problem where you live what do you do?…You set Rat traps…and Rats always get the cheese. WHAP!
Thanks to anne and conlu for being there for me. I love you
This…is my first tumble….these are my thoughts…this is my life….this is me.
I’ve never really blogged before and I never really had an interest into putting my personal feelings and thoughts out there unless it was in my music, but I figured, maybe this will be a good thing for me? If you’re taking the time to read this then my goal is for you to try to understand who I am as a PERSON and maybe get to know me a little better…even if you know me already. So let’s start our journey together shall we?
Nobody is perfect. I am far from it. Everyone has their flaws. I have many. For those who don’t know…I am adopted. I was adopted at 2 weeks of age and raised in a very loving family that to this day has not treated me different than their own. But because of my own issues that I’m sure i will explain at a later time, I drifted away from this loving family and searched for my own. I found that family in the streets. I’m not gonna go through my whole life story right now because we would be here for hours on end but to shorten things up…Because of the path I took in life I spent from age 11, until now (22), in and out of correctional facilities. I’m not proud of this at all. I don’t glorify it. I don’t think I’m hella hard because of the things I’ve done and been through. It’s embarrassing to say that I wasted a good chunk of my life because of stupid decisions. But it makes me who I am today. 3 months ago I was released after serving a year because of a stupid decision. Prior to going in to start my bid, my life had taken a downward spiral which landed me in the cage. I was living an out of control lifestyle. I was unemployed and not caring about my education when I was enrolled, I was committing crimes for money to take care of myself, I was only focused on music and all the attention it brings…I was selfish. But the point I’m trying to get to is that…Even though i was having a fun time with my life…bad events kept taking place. Things kept getting shittier and shitter and then the shittiest of all things happened..I landed myself right back into a correctional facility. This past year while i was incarcerated I really took the time to reflect and focus on ME…and trust me..I had A LOT of ME time to dwell upon. I came out a changed man for the better I believe. What i thought would be a struggling time ahead of me actually wasn’t. For the FIRST time in my life things started to fall into place. I got a good job that pays me well, my music is going well, I’ve met some BEAUTIFUL people and made some new friends who I would die for in an instant…the list goes on and on but basically what I’m trying to say is…that for the first time in my life..everything seemed right! and I’m happy! But as always…what comes with the positive, ALWAYS, comes the negative. I’ve always had a little devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other..kinda like what you see in the cartoons. Except these guys are in my head and in my heart at ALL times. I constantly struggle everyday with my own thoughts and really have to work at it to make it through the day without listening to that fuckin devil. Life has been soo good to me lately that this was bound to happen. I recently got hit with a bill from the county who was asking for an amount of money that I found pretty extreme. But WTF am I gonna do? argue with them? no. I’m not gonna go back to the cage because I don’t wanna pay them..I have to do it anyways. And then on top of that, at work business is bad, my car decides it wants to be sick (but thanks to 2 little angels it got home okay), and a whole bunch of other things that my emotions and heart are dealing with are just shitty….now to the point. Once again I have found myself in this place where after negative events after negative events keep taking place..I am torn in what I should do. I have ALWAYS taken the easy way out when times get hard. I get in a shell, and do things that I feel like I have to do hoping nothing breaks through that shell. My whole life has been an easy way out and I just spent a year looking forward to this shitty struggling feeling but now I dont want it anymore. I cant go into too much detail about what was in front of me but it had to do with A LOT of money but it might not be the most…how do i say this…smart thing to do for someone in my situation with hella time hanging over their head and on probation. This has been tearing me apart just because of the battles i fight within myself everyday. I was out with 2 friends of mine…these 2 individuals i feel I have become very fond and close to in the recent month or so. But i told them my situation because I had been hurting and feeling light weight depressed on what I should do. As i told them the situation and as they gave me their feedback…I was looking at both of them in their eyes as they talked to me and I could see it. The light. They may have not known what they did for me or what they made me feel…because they were just doing what friends do. Friends help friends. But when they told me the three words of “Don’t do it” It made me realize something and I had to take a step back really quick and think about it. This past year was hell. I went through a lot..but more importantly..I put my family, friends, and loved ones through a hell they dont deserve. These two individuals like I said, have become close to my heart within this past MONTH. ONE MONTH. I met one of them literally like a month ago and shes also married to a man I can call my brother. The other one I had met waaay back…she doesn’t remember but we can just say we just really starting to get to know each other about a month ago as well. These are not people I’ve known for years even though it feels like it. But when they told me this…It made me realize that these 2 people could seriously give a shit about me. These people could seriously care less about what I do with my life. I’ve only known these people for a short period of time but their words were so caring and sincere that it made me realize…I could have never met you guys at all if i was still in the cage. You guys would have never even really known who I was. These people actually genuinely care about my well being when they don’t have to. AND to top it all off…they have helped me more than once on their own time when they, once again, did not have to. I have love for these two people in ways they probably can’t imagine…
So because of the shit upon shit that had been piled up on my shoulders, I found myself thinking about a quick way out. I seriously was gonna go through with it. And it probably would not of happened right away but most likely where would I have ended up? Back in that cage…But because I went out on a limb and decided to share my feelings with two people who I had no idea on how they would react..I saw the light. They made things a little more positive. They made me realize that even though times are tough they will get better. They made me feel like I was cared about. They saved my life.
Thank you Anne and Truc. I love you guys.